I thought I understood it, that I knew it. That I knew this feeling that could make your heart trumble of both desire and deprivation. But no, I had no idea. I had not a single idea that this feeling I once read in an old, worm-eaten book, stucked in a dusty library could acually be so much different in reality. That it could actually exist.
It’s like you have in front of you someone that is very close to you and he has been quite a big part of your life. And at that moment that he asks you what he is to you, you stay silent. You froze. You cannot utter not a single word, you cannot make the slightest sound. All your thoughts are ready to burst out amid tears and laughter. Your heart loudly pulsates underneath your chest and you’re feeling an acute pain that you’re trying to bare. You want so much to admit that you’re staring into the eyes of your other half but you still have so many defences, so many fears. You’re not pure and you cannot touch the pure soul you have in front of you though you want it so much.
You just have to say one thing. One important thing. One word is enough. You just have to say that this thing you have in your heart, this passion, this tendency, you are afraid that you’ll never get rid of it. That is never gonna faid away. That will be stuck inside your body, inside your soul, for the rest of your life. Because it’s always there. Unstoppably. And that makes you so sad and so afraid. You sad of happiness because you can actually understand it now. It’s like a miracle that you know at some point will end as soon as it fullfils it’s purpose. And you’re glad you had the chance to see magic in front of you but you are so sad of the fullstop that is coming to get your magic away.
I thought I understood it. Not really though. It’s far greater and bigger than I could ever imagine. I didn’t realize it would be able to tear me apart and at the same time it puts all my parts together again. Even better. Each time that it’s tearing me apart I am reborned even better. I couldn’t realize anything about life. I could only see the gory bits of me. And now I still see them and I know it’s too late to find away to push them away. It’s the halves that halve you in half. But now I am a different person. Now I can see also by other side. I can see my face smiling and I like the brightness on my face. And I didn’t know any of this until it was too late. Until you asked your question and I understood the real answer. Now I’ll never be able to forget it..
And I almost through my writing could actually express the pure happiness I feel deep down in my soul..
Or, maybe not today.